* SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person.
* TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking cr@p.
* BLAMESTORMING. Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a Projectfailed, and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, cr@ps on everything, and Thenleaves.
* ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
* SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies toapplause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
* SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home withthekids or start a "home business".
* SINBAD. Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
* AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the cr@p out of an electronic device to get it towork again.
* ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file.Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
* GOING FOR A McSH!T. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McSh!t with Lies.
* 404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.
* AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
* OH - NOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just Madea BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
* GREYHOUND A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their leveloftraining.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from Theoutside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa! Aa!".
* MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the Toiletafter your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up,whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bedinstead.
* BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At3:00am.
* BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
* BREAKING THE SEAL. Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
* TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's Got4buttocks.
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right person to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now - Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
If I had words to make a day for you, I'd sing you a morning golden and new. I would make this day last for all time, Give you a night deep with moonshine.
To hear both the singing meeses's buoyant or James Cromwell's moving version of this song: click here
Lizard Boy™ has had another wonderful art idea, this one involving rocks. So, having to go out as we were in need of such important supplies as kitchen roll and alcohol, on the way to the shops we traipsed down to the beach and went looking for pebbles in a gale. Same as having an hour-long walk in summer weather. Anyhoo, LB's rocks are now soaking in the sink, readying themselves for his genius:
I almost never find interesting rocks, unless I'm in Portugal. But today I found a beaut. Here it is, laid against a black stone. It has a quartz marking, seen in the upper right hand corner in this photo:
that much resembles a Maori symbol for new beginnings, which I have on another photo of a plate LB's parents brought home from New Zealand. I'll look for it later and post it for comparisons. Anyway, I think my new pebble is perfect. I think Mother Nature is one of the most profound working artists of all. And looking at, reflecting upon stones and pebbles is a wonderful way of calming the mind, emptying it of extraneous rubbish, ready to fill it with what's really important to you. Sorted!
..... they're moving here in droves, if they're smart enough to find it, because in the UK you're allowed to SWEAR on the telly! Because (sometimes) in this country adults are treated like adults! Thank fuck for Channel 4!
Check it out: (WARNING!PARENTAL ADVISORY LYRICS ALSO INCLUDES: SCENES OF AN INTELLIGENT & FUNNY NATURE / RECOMMENDATIONS TO SHOOT RIFLES AT SUITS / BUT SUPERMAN CAN'T FLY, IT'S ONLY A FILM / WHY SHOULD SWEARING BE BANNED BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SUPERVISE YOUR OWN CHILDREN?)
(you'll have to cut & paste the link below because I'm too pissed off to navigate this fucking septic site)
'I suffer whenever I see that common sight of a parent or senior imposing his opinion and way of thinking and being on a young soul to which he is totally unfit.Cannot we let people be themselves and enjoy life in their own way? You are trying to make another you. One's enough.'
- Ralph Waldo Emerson, U.S. Poet, essayist and transcendentalist (1803-1882)
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